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Sunday, December 17, 2006
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Day 17
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An Interview with 2006: Part 1
What would happen if 2006 and I were in the same room together? It would probably sound something like this.
Me: OK so, first I have to ask you...what the fuck was that? I mean...come on.
2006: Well...sorry. Yeah... I know. geez. (stares at the floor for a second)
Me: I mean seriously....did it have to be THAT bad? Couldn't you have just called up 2002 and had a repeat of that year? I know he's on vacation in Aruba, but still. Even that would have been better than this.
06: No, no you see that's....(sighs)...that's not really how it works.
Me: (long pause).. yeah. I know. But the only thing is, I don't really know how it works any more.
06: That's OK. I mean...not, ok ok, but just....that's how it is supposed to be.
Me: Can you stop with the platitudes already? I'm so sick of people telling me that things happen for a reason and that this is how they are "supposed to be". I mean, come on, 06. We both know that's total bullshit.
06: Yeah, I know. But at least it sounds better when I say it.
Me: True. true.
06: You know, I'm sorry I was such a loser like that. I promise i'll never do it again.
Me: Damn right- you're going into retirement, remember? You'll never bother me again. Where are you off to after the 31st anyways?
06: Oh I dunno...probably Fiji or someplace tropical. I've always wanted more time to work on my tan.
Me: Sounds like a pretty sweet deal. Lucky bastard.
06: Well, yeah. It is. I think 2007 should do a good job for you when I go.
Me: Seriously? You think? No offense, but you were one seriously shitty year. At least, from my perspective.
06: Yeah, and I can't apologize enough for that. Maybe I can make it up to you? Take you out to dinner?
Me: Nah. Nevermind. It's too late for me anyways.
06: No, It's not too late. 07, remember?
Me: Yeah, I know. But I haven't met 2007 yet and I don't even know what he has up his sleeves.
06: Well, considering what I did to you...how bad can it be?
Me: Please don't ask that. Please....it makes me nervous.
(long pause. '06 lights a cigarette. I sit down and fold my arms, staring off into space.)
2006: Look, I didn't mean for things to get that bad. Really. Who knew? Well...I guess I did to a certain extent. But even I don't make this stuff up.
Me: But honestly, do you think I wanted to get my heart broken? Do you think I wanted death and destruction? Did you have to make it so damn hard to get out of bed most days? You could have eased up just a teensy bit. I mean, you've killed a part of me just stone-cold dead. Hear that hollow sound when you tap on me? Yeah. Empty. Knock it off already!
2006: I know, and I'm really really sorry. But there's nothing I can do about that now. It's all in the past. Sort of. Only...in a weird meta-past way for me.
Me: Please, don't remind me. Blah blah blahin-the-pastcakes. Sure. I get it. Now FIX it.
06: I'm afraid I can't do that either.
Me: Are you serious? You mean you can dish it out but after that your hands are tied? Fuck that. Fuck YOU.
06:Yeah, yeah. I've gotten that a lot lately. Like your neighbor, Dragon Lady I believe you call her? Worst year ever for her too. I don't know what she has stuck up her ass, but whatever it is, it isn't pretty. Believe me, I have done my best, but I just can't help the fact that I all-around suck.
Me: Wow. Well... in that case, can you pass me the bottle of tequila?
06: Sure, no problem. Here you go. (Hands me a bottle of Patron.) |
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posted by purplefishy
8:47 AM
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